I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
