Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
