last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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