we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
