When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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