If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
