There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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