Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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