i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
