his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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