Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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