The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
