so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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