i think my tv is drunk
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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