Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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