How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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