I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
