i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This house was built for laser tag.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
