Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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