my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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