end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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