Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
