Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
