I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
