Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
