While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
