This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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