Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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