Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
