i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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