she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Green mimosas i think yes
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
