you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Damn victory sex feels great
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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