she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
