Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
