Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
