pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We left the knife in your bed.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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