I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
