He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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