my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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