I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
