i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
