I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
