His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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