i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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