My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
