He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
