1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
