I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
