Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
