btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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