Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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