Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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