im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
