i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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