hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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