Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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