My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
