I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
